Category Archives: childhood abuse and trauma

DEATH – NO DEATH

childhood abuse and trauma, horror

AUTOMATIC LETTER 71, pp 98-100

Saturday night

Dear Adam,
When I awoke tonight, I thought I might have had a nightmare I felt
tired, achy, and cranky as though I had not had a good night’s sleep – now
I remember Gloria had the bad dream; I do not sleep ever – I’m watching
the “Other”, he can’t see me, but I can see him, he’s winging the ax up and
down through the air – I do wish he would put it down. I’m only six years
old and he is pretty scary. He has killed already you know; he even severed a hand at the wrist, I saw it lying there downstairs it was not a very nice
sight – nor was all of that blood – and he who once was like a grandfather
to me is now a bad stranger – why I was the only one allowed to use the
short cut between our homes and his wife (Gloria’s sister) would call me in
to have strudel a very special pastry that little girls like me love.
Here as I talk about pastry with Grandpa Butcher out there – he’s
stabbed too. I’m screaming but only in my mind – thoughts reach in but
not soothing thoughts – I do not know this person anymore – I have never
known him. His mouth is a cruel slash, his nostrils flare, his eyes are too
bright like glass and he’s waiting to kill me his little friend.
Trembling, I think this is a dream – all is well and those downstairs
safe – I am safe – no fear – no hurt – no danger – no killing – no blood – no
DEATH – NO DEATH – but it is not a dream they’re under the thick layer
that is woven together. I know there is death – but not mine – not yet. I
won’t be taken by surprise but how will I fight a giant of a man.
I’m just a little power but I won’t die like a dog, no way. I’ll not let
someone put me away that quick. Somehow, I’m going to LIVE. I have a
lot of dreams to make come true and I won’t die – I won’t! Oh! Oh! Oh!
A mouth and eyes the mouth is wrapped around a terrible scream and the
eyes are screaming too – a child screams the child is all eyes and mouth. I
can’t see who she is this little girl so terrified. I cannot see who, but I feel
her fear – I must see!
I become the future – I still hear the scream and I feel the scare the
fear is so dark. I cannot see her but somehow, I know that little child is
little Gloria – the screams go on and on. It ends with a fall – the impact of
the ground the darkness the hurt. I shiver, I’m so cold – I’ll never be warm
again. I’m so cold it’s not over – this is not a story or a movie it’s for real –
screams float in the air – a child falls outside – you bad, bad man. I’m so
cold – a horrible thing to know at six years old that you’re a little coward and
despair and shame fill me – it’s hard to hold back the tears and be still when
your heart is breaking.
I saw him coming only because I was there at the window – you can’t
see people coming from any other part of the house because of the trees and the bend in the driveway. I saw him and did nothing – I saw what he
did and I went back into hiding. I scream inside its icy cold, and I can’t stop
my cowardly shivering. I am so scared my eyes are crying with no tears –
I saw them there downstairs – blood – agony and all I did was go back
upstairs.
I hear the click of a doorknob and from the sound someone has entered
downstairs it’s got to be him – I don’t see him at the tree stump there’s a
child on the ground where he was – no hands bloody – hide the scream
quickly – I’m so cold – don’t move – don’t shiver – don’t make a sound and
live – live – but again, I’ll know if I live that I was a cowardly little girl like
the cowardly lion in Oz – be still – be still not a sound. I’m so cold shudders down my spine – drops of water run down my back and I’m freezing –
someone is coming up – heavy footsteps – my heart beats so fast – I’m so
icy cold.

Gloria’s Helper

Gloria’s Worst Fear

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma

AUTOMATIC LETTER 73
Wednesday night

Dear Adam,

It was just tonight after a bad dream that I realized that I’ve never put
into words in a letter to you, one of the worst fears that a childlike Gloria
had. This was the fear of going insane and getting locked up for life.
As often as she was able to, she would ask if anyone of the family – the old
people had ever lost their mind, and no one ever questioned why a child should
inquire about this but she always told that no one had. Sometimes when fear
takes over the safety valves of the mind fails to operate and all kinds of things
happen when your mind tries to cope with big problems – things like nervous tics begin (like Gloria if she tried to lie to the “Other’ her left eye would
twitch) or a person can’t concentrate. Her grades began to go down at school
and she got scared and desperate when she’d get 95% instead of a 100%.
Trying to find a safe frequent change of shelter each night was a potential source of danger for a child, which exposed her to all sorts of danger.
Like the day when the “Other” asked Gloria, “Have you ever seen a live animal skinned? No, well tonight you are going to see one, but you won’t like it.”
Early that night, she was adrift again, facing more and more closed
doors – the barn door was closed – people weren’t home, she left for the
cemetery but her movement roused a dog to fierce barking followed
soon by others in the distance alerting people to an intruder and an old                                man came out to see at the cemetery – for lack of a better alternative she
returned back. She became desperate in her mind, and she feared that she
a little girl would break down, go crazy, and be sent to a mental institution.                              As her strange feelings got worse, she’d ask herself, “How long can
you stand this? What does it take to drive a person crazy?” She had never
known anyone who had a nervous breakdown, so she went to the library
one day and looked up the symptoms.
She found descriptions that fitted her so perfectly that she was more afraid
than ever – depression, crying for no reason, (like when she’d hide) anxiety,
nervousness, being afraid of people. She pictured herself locked up with bars
on the window and thought, “I’d rather be dead.” Then she’d feel so low that
death seemed like a way to get peace. An idea would tell her, “If you kill yourself,                     it will be all over. You wouldn’t have to live like this day after day.” So
she’d shut herself off in the forest and write down or say, “Gloria you’ve got so
much to live for,” and she’d make long lists of why she shouldn’t die. She did
this for months when she’d find a temporary shelter like a haystack or treetop.
I’m telling you this because she has started doing the same thing now
wondering if she’s losing her mind. Gloria needs your strength to reassure
her that she isn’t – I won’t let her mind go and you won’t let her either will
you??? You are our lifeline. You’ll pull us back if we get stuck, won’t you?
I’ll await any instructions you may have to give me, okay?
But on no account let us lose our sanity – we’re intelligent enough to
follow instructions so it needn’t happen that we’d have a mental breakdown                      help us please we’re afraid.

Gloria’s Helper

AX NIGHTMARE

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, horror

AUTOMATIC LETTER 72
Tuesday night

Dear Adam,
My little friend Gloria is in a trance – every so often a little shiver hit
her – but tonight hunger will not keep her awake. Adam you are the dearest, sensitive, kindness person we have ever known. You literally saved our
life.
You know what God says in the Bible, “When you give bread to the
hungry person, you give bread to Me.” Well tonight you gave a feast to a
person and to God as well. Also you gave a little girl proof that she is worth
something – no one would do what you did for someone not worth anything – more, you did it in a beautiful way as if it was a normal thing that
a son would do for a mother he loved and Gloria and I were touched very
deeply. We shall never forget it – last we will never forget what the words
“friend” and “love” mean. God bless you and loves you dearly as we do.

Now, for the dream Gloria had. She’s still in the ax nightmare. Right
now I see her a little girl hiding. She remembers asking her sister once
what dying meant – it was like going to sleep and never waking up and
she had realized that if you never wake up you might never be able to stop
dreaming and she didn’t want to die and always dream of the nightmares
she had seen downstairs.
She’s there behind the screen and she can’t move and it’s getting dark –
a darkness you can still hear through – the door is opening and she’s not
even hardly breathing – she’s thinking “you don’t know where I am but I
know where you are” – and then she hears someone say, “Dear God, I just
had to get away for a few minutes in all my years as a cop I’ve never imagined anything like what I just saw,” and another voice answers, “I know, I
let myself out to throw up,” and “that little girl out there let’s not talk about
it,” and she thinks “what little girl out there” I’m here – then realizes that
some screams she had heard later and the little body near where the man
had hid was another child killed. He thought he’d killed Gloria but it was
another child coming back from school – and she realized that she was the
cause of the child getting killed because she had said nothing again – it
shocked and shamed her – too many people killed because of me and my
cowardice – you cannot close a mind to it – then she came back to hear the
person say, “Thank God, no one’s here,” and her little voice said, “I’m here,”
one asked, “Did you hear that?” and the other said, “I sure did.” “Where
are you little girl” and the little girl asked, “You first, who are you?” He
answered, “I’m a policeman and so is my friend, come out of wherever you
are,” and the little girl said, “Lift up your hat so I can see,” and she thought
the man said, “Damn,” but two police caps were lifted up, and she came out
but when one went to pick her up she held back and he said, “Oh, come on
little sweetheart, I have a little girl like you and you need a father’s shoulder
to cry on right now.” But she couldn’t let him because she had wet herself
when she got so scared and she felt ashamed and didn’t want him to know.
The policeman said, “Oh, hell the poor kid must have heard the uproar and
is scared to death,” and he asked, “Did you hear?” she answered, “I heard
and saw,” and after that the little girl wouldn’t talk for a month.

She was sent to live with a relative to make her forget but she never
forgot, nor did her heart ever let her forget that one lady she gave water to
downstairs who said, “Bless you child, I’m dying, get away from here fast,”
but maybe she was not dying – and the hand that rolled at her feet and oh,
I just have to get out of this terrible dream. I’m so cold and my head hurts
so but my heart hurts even more because this is the person, you think is
worth saving – I’m freezing.

Gloria’s Helper

 

Nightmares can be Real

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, horror, hypnotherapy

Gloria Rising pp 14-15

AUTOMATIC LETTER 9

Wednesday night

Hi again,

A little girl sat straight up in the darkness of her bedroom and screamed.

The nightmare that had awakened her was so vivid that for a few moments she thought she might still be in the woods being abused by a menacing figure. It was a dream, but it was real too because the figure was in that very house. In the dream we couldn’t tell whether the chasing figure was a man or a woman but awake she knew it was a man. Outside the storm that had been raging when she fell asleep had stopped. In its place moonlight filtered in through the window and washed her room with a pale glow.

It should have been reassuring but the dream was still there, springing out at her from the shadows of the room like the flickering images that still darted through her mind. The killer had scuttled after her through the woods like a beastly forest creature hunting prey. She had been caught in the killer’s strong arms and carried off to a haunted cabin deep in the woods. That’s when she screamed and woke up. In her mind the dream was so vivid that when she saw the sleeping figure on the floor near her bed she screamed again.

“What’s the matter are you having another nightmare?” he asked. “Don’t worry I’m here to take care of you, nobody will hurt you.”

How could she tell him that he was the one, she was so afraid he would hurt her? The nightmare had become real. He had a room why didn’t he go to sleep in it instead of her little room. She had a lot of answers, but none made any sense.

She had a lot of questions but no one to answer them except him and he wouldn’t make any sense. “How long could the nightmares go on before she lost her mind,” was one of the questions?

Me