AUTOMATIC LETTER 71, pp 98-100

Saturday night

Dear Adam,
When I awoke tonight, I thought I might have had a nightmare I felt
tired, achy, and cranky as though I had not had a good night’s sleep – now
I remember Gloria had the bad dream; I do not sleep ever – I’m watching
the “Other”, he can’t see me, but I can see him, he’s winging the ax up and
down through the air – I do wish he would put it down. I’m only six years
old and he is pretty scary. He has killed already you know; he even severed a hand at the wrist, I saw it lying there downstairs it was not a very nice
sight – nor was all of that blood – and he who once was like a grandfather
to me is now a bad stranger – why I was the only one allowed to use the
short cut between our homes and his wife (Gloria’s sister) would call me in
to have strudel a very special pastry that little girls like me love.
Here as I talk about pastry with Grandpa Butcher out there – he’s
stabbed too. I’m screaming but only in my mind – thoughts reach in but
not soothing thoughts – I do not know this person anymore – I have never
known him. His mouth is a cruel slash, his nostrils flare, his eyes are too
bright like glass and he’s waiting to kill me his little friend.
Trembling, I think this is a dream – all is well and those downstairs
safe – I am safe – no fear – no hurt – no danger – no killing – no blood – no
DEATH – NO DEATH – but it is not a dream they’re under the thick layer
that is woven together. I know there is death – but not mine – not yet. I
won’t be taken by surprise but how will I fight a giant of a man.
I’m just a little power but I won’t die like a dog, no way. I’ll not let
someone put me away that quick. Somehow, I’m going to LIVE. I have a
lot of dreams to make come true and I won’t die – I won’t! Oh! Oh! Oh!
A mouth and eyes the mouth is wrapped around a terrible scream and the
eyes are screaming too – a child screams the child is all eyes and mouth. I
can’t see who she is this little girl so terrified. I cannot see who, but I feel
her fear – I must see!
I become the future – I still hear the scream and I feel the scare the
fear is so dark. I cannot see her but somehow, I know that little child is
little Gloria – the screams go on and on. It ends with a fall – the impact of
the ground the darkness the hurt. I shiver, I’m so cold – I’ll never be warm
again. I’m so cold it’s not over – this is not a story or a movie it’s for real –
screams float in the air – a child falls outside – you bad, bad man. I’m so
cold – a horrible thing to know at six years old that you’re a little coward and
despair and shame fill me – it’s hard to hold back the tears and be still when
your heart is breaking.
I saw him coming only because I was there at the window – you can’t
see people coming from any other part of the house because of the trees and the bend in the driveway. I saw him and did nothing – I saw what he
did and I went back into hiding. I scream inside its icy cold, and I can’t stop
my cowardly shivering. I am so scared my eyes are crying with no tears –
I saw them there downstairs – blood – agony and all I did was go back
upstairs.
I hear the click of a doorknob and from the sound someone has entered
downstairs it’s got to be him – I don’t see him at the tree stump there’s a
child on the ground where he was – no hands bloody – hide the scream
quickly – I’m so cold – don’t move – don’t shiver – don’t make a sound and
live – live – but again, I’ll know if I live that I was a cowardly little girl like
the cowardly lion in Oz – be still – be still not a sound. I’m so cold shudders down my spine – drops of water run down my back and I’m freezing –
someone is coming up – heavy footsteps – my heart beats so fast – I’m so
icy cold.

Gloria’s Helper